Will Smith


The execs don’t care what color you are. They care about how much money you make. Hollywood is not really black or white. It’s green.

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

Your life will become better by making other lives better.

Dont chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people, the ones who really belong in your life, will come to you. And stay.

Throughout you life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

Parents just don’t understand.

In my mind, I’ve always been an A-list Hollywood superstar. Y’all just didn’t know yet.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Best Way To Fun


George Carlin


In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

There’s such balance in nature.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

“No comment” is a comment.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Hooray for most things!

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Life is a zero sum game.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Mitch Hedberg


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I used to do drugs — I still do, but I used to, too.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’ — which means it’s dirty.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I wish I could play little league now, I’d be way better than before.

I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.

The last time I called ‘shotgun’, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow shit.

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.

I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.

You don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude — Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.

When I was on acid I would see things like beams of light, and I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What happened when Jesus wanted to swim?

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

A dog is forever in the push-up position.

I got a parrot and it talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I turned to my friend and said “How do you abbreviate Arkansas”. He said “I don’t know, just start spelling it, and then quit”.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem — it’s not the photographer’s fault.

I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?

At the end of my letters, I like to write ‘P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.’

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off — it’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.

It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time — and last night, all those people were at my show.

Ronald Reagan


Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.

When you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.

If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.

There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.

We are never defeated unless we give up on God.

All great change in America begins at the dinner table.

Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you’ve never sung before, and you realize you’ve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, ‘Life in the Fast Lane?’ That’s what they’re saying right there? You think, ‘why have I been singing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ how many people have heard me sing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ I am an idiot.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – Too Busy Disorder.

Chris Rock


There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know

We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Women need food, water, and compliments

That’s right.

And an occasional pair of shoes.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

You don’t pay taxes-they take taxes.